A testimony of Jantelagen
Jantelagen (the Jante law) have been something that've weightened my back this last year up 'till now; Things I've been told, the judgements people've had of my works, telling me what I should do to get better, to suck less and fit the template of the society's taste. As it goes on, I curl up under my sheets, crawling away from the stinging reality. But you'll always hit the wall behind you (if you're not one of those fools sleeping in the middle of the room); running away from reality is impossible, if you don't wish to commit suicide.
Friends have always been there though, but the horrible thing about the sensitive psyche I posess is the way it closes my mind from praise and flattery. The logic I work in my brain is complex, sometimes I wonder if I wouldn't do better making metaphysical calculations instead of trying to calculate values in art; There is no proper system to follow in defining art, so all this time I guess I've been worrying in vain. In the end, this negligent attitude of mine arose, just doing what I feel like, posting it up on a few places without making much fuzz and then smiling and nodding a bit if someone who comes by happens to like what they see.
Yet, it doesn't feel like my soul is satisfied by keeping an attitude like this, being completely oblivious about what people think about my art and hardly caring of what I feel about them myself. But even though I feel like this, I have not lost sight of my desired goal. Guess the best way I could explain this feeling is “pulling a heavy corpse up a slope”. That corpse being the former faith I had in my worth as an artist.
That feeling of worth is gone now, replaced with a lingering frustration and angst of constantly being judged as a “commercial artist” with an imitated, “commercial style”. That I’m rather trying to imitate a Japanese pro-artist rather than trying to express myself in what I do, being placed in a big heap with a pole labeled “MANGAKA-WANNABEES” stuck down in it. Why… can’t we all just be artist? Why are some branded and put outside the bigger group? Why can’t there just be a free diversity in the comic and art world? I want to feel pride in what I do and I’m sick and tired of being branded as a “Wannabe” and “Commercial”-heap!
This is why I can’t take the praiseful words my friends tell me seriously, I don’t feel like I deserve it… And besides, I’ve seen enough of the comic industry to tell I’m not of the desired kind. To me, it feels like there is a curtain made out of lead surrounding the comic industry of Sweden, one I probably won’t get beyond. I got the finger I used in an attempt to approach it cut off, my childhood dream brutally crushed and my drawing hand branded. In order to eliminate the hate I felt towards the enthroned people within the industry responsible for triggering my mental misery, I reflected the errors onto myself and my art. But that would not eliminate the feeling of having my chance taken away from me. No, I don’t want to hear what I did wrong, because there IS no right and wrong, all you can do is THINK what is.
I’m still trying to find a way to soothe my inner frustration. As any other artist I just wish to do what I love and others to like what I’ve put my heart into creating. I need to take my friends and admirers’ words with consideration, after all the times they’ve pulled the gun out of my hand at the times I’ve been about to give up. Thank you, for existing. I thank God for my friends whom without I would be all alone to bear this horribly sensitive mind of mine.
It may take many days, but I want to believe that I will someday be able to gracefully overcome the frustration, hate and other hindrances completely if I just keep on drawing. That corpse may as well someday regain life and accompany me on my way up the slope, towards the final showdown against Jantelagen.
